[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
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My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Not all heroes wear capes…
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Tastes like chicken.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Best spoiler warning ever
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Before & after 😅
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”