My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
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Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
How your email finds me
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.