ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
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Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I think we should hear other voices.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS