Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
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Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
When your man makes a valid point
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Simple
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I’m not proud
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.