In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
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DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I enjoy a good short stor
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive