Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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Cutest fight ever.. 😊
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
pep talk