funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
You Might Also Like
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Match dot com, but for socks.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”