*watches the world burn*
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I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains