Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
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I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
me opening up to someone
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.