It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2