When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
courtroom exchange of the day
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q