Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
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God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Its true…
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon