If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
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ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.