I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Happy thanksgiving!
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally