I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
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The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too