[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
RT if you could go either way.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up