Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Sunday
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
*has no idea what a book even is*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.