Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
This meal prepping shit is easy
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it