Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
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Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.