my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
this is me
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣