Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
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Husband of the year 😂
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]