tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
“We will wed,” I threatened
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
The struggle is real
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious