There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways