It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
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Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.