my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will