Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
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Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.