[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?