my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.