Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
scared to check what name she chose
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.