Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?