Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Camping tip: No.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank