Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Seek kebab; not attention
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”