Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
the noise i just made
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.