I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
You Might Also Like
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.