Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
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this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.