My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
She: I like Cats
He:
Ok, but like, how married are you?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy