My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.