5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
tinder is all about the long game
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm