You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
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I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
👾👾👾
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around