Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird