Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
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Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.