Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla