[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
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7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My favorite female superhero
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.