“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
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noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My current situation
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
That lamp looks PISSED.
This why you should mind your business
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.