It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.