Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
You Might Also Like
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
The sacred texts.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Nose
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: