Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Danger is very dangerous
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*