Pikachu found the lost joint
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harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
next level snooze
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach