I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
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me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.