yes… yes…
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
😂😂😂
Peace was never an option
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.